Once kindergarten hit, I knew it was only a matter of time before my sweet little girl would be exposed to things that I would rather keep hidden. The first was the death of a her little friends grandfather. Though A. hears us talk about our loved ones that have already passed on, she never had questions. Since DJ's grandfather died, A. has had questions galore. The crazy thing is, she will ask a question, I'll give my best answer and then she doesn't ask another for a week or two. I think she just has to process. She started with, "where are gram and Uncle Brian. -- I went with the easy answer of heaven. Well, that led to how did they get there and then once I tried to explain that their souls went to heaven but the rest of their bodies are still here then came, " where are their bodies". So, I did what every mother that has no idea how to best answer the question would do...."I don't know, let's call Gramps." I totally passed the buck because I didn't want to tell my little girl that her gram's body is now in a small little box and her Uncle Brian is now buried. Gramps gave us some good advice and I left it because the questions seemed to stop. Well, fast forward a week and the question was, "How did uncle Brian get under the ground?" She wanted to know how Daddy helped to carry him and who held his head. I did my best to explain a casket and pall bearers. Another week passed and she simply said, "tell me the story of Uncle Brian." I chose to go with the music that he liked and how he coached hockey. I think she wanted the story of his death because then she asked, "can he hear that music now that his body is in the ground and his heart is in heaven?" I don't baby...
Today though, today took the cake on tough questions. We got a letter home today about a "stop, drop, and cover" drill. It's the drill now mandated by the state to practice for an intruder or a gunman. It's the drill that has to be done yet makes my little innocent girl not feel so safe anymore. The letter just said to inform the kids so that they wouldn't be too frightened. I just told A. that tomorrow there would be a drill like a fire drill except that they would stay in the school and go under their desks. "Why, Mommy" I froze in my tracks. I wanted to ignore it or say just to play a game. But, the reality is, she has to live in a new era. An era where no place is completely safe. So, I told her that it is to practice in case someone came in that wasn't supposed to be there. "Why, Mommy." uuhhhh.... "because sometimes bad people come in and your teacher has to keep you safe." The questions stopped and I went on to turn on paw patrol or wipe a nose or something. I turned around and tears were streaming down her little face. "What if there is a bad person there tomorrow?" "Why do I have to cover my eyes?" "How will I know where they take me if they do?" "What would they do to me if they take me?" And, just like that, a little piece of her innocence was gone. I answered as best as I could, trying to tell her that her teachers would keep her safe and we would come and keep her safe. Just when I thought we were coming out, she said, "but, someone came to Gramps's work." She put together the fact that Gramps was working at the Navy Yard on the day of the shooting and that she had to practice to keep away from "bad people". Again, I did what any mom over her head would do, we called Gramps. Gramps told her that it's ok to be scared but that it is just practice. He said that he practiced before and that is what kept him safe. He reassured my sweet little girl we would always do our best to keep her safe and her school will too. But, she is still scared to go tomorrow. Thankfully, I called in the mom reinforcements. She now has another mom to drop her off at school instead of riding the bus and I promised her that the mom representation will give her an extra hug. Now, to wait a week and see what question pops up from her ever processing yet slightly less innocent mind.
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