what?

A picture says 1,000 words.  Well, if that is true, then K.'s face says 1,000,000 words.  He is still a pretty even keeled kid and still doesn't talk much (well, in comparison to his sister whom never shuts up).  But, his face is always letting us know what is going on.  When he is talking, his most used word is "what?"  He uses this word and points at everything at any given time.  Here are a few of my favorites

• "what?"- when pointing at his sister on the toilet--- uummm pee maybe
• "what?" - when pointing at a picture in a book... a cow, a blade of grass, a door knob, a barn, a cloud, a ... just let me finish reading...
• "what?" - every tractor on the side of the road.  He asks so much that when A. and I were in the car alone the other day she said, "I'm glad K. isn't here because he would just say what and I would have to keep answering him."
• "what?"- when literally opening my eyes in the morning.  I guess he was asking me my dream?
• what?" - each food on his plate

I love you my sweet inquisitive little boy.  But, there is such a thing as a stupid question.  

legacy

I started this blog for a number of reasons.
1) To help B. and I remember what our life was like with 2 kids.  We both look back and read old blog posts.  Things that we would have forgotten if we didn't write them down.
2) To keep our families informed of the little intricacies of our day to day lives
3) To leave somewhat of a legacy to our kids.  We wanted them to be able to look back on their lives as children and to look at why we made certain choices.  We also want them to be able to look at it when they are adults in the same position and need camaraderie.

This post is geared toward the third reason.  It is a compilation of a conversation we have had over the past week with our friends via email.  We made the deliberate choice to post it so that our kids can see how loved that they are and to see that they are part of a bigger picture.  A much better, brighter picture.  

Email 1- from Emily on April 21


 I am starting this email not knowing what I have to say, but wanting you all to know how grateful I am for you.

Today was unexpectedly difficult, at times. My morning went like any other Sunday - I woke up, went to church, and returned home to put Brayden down for a nap. After that I sat down on the couch with my computer and got on Facebook. I expected to see birthday wishes to Brian on there, but did not expect the flood gates to open. Nor did I expect to so intensely wish to be able to tell him happy birthday myself. Today and September 23 are always challenging days but had been progressively easier every year, until today.

This past September I realized something. I spent the first years without Brian worrying about everyone else, stressing about losing Brayden, figuring out how to take care of Brayden, hating my company, figuring out what I was going to do for work. So this past September I realized I had yet to take care of myself. I told myself this year I would put my needs first, even before Brayden at times. I made my new years resolution in September

So far I'm pleased with how the past 7 months have gone. I have had the time to do a lot of thinking, praying, and healing. I am happier than I have been in almost 3 years. This is why I was so confused by my uncontrollable emotions today. But then I remembered that this is the first time I am spending Brian's birthday thinking about myself. When I looked at it that way, and not that I was moving backwards, it actually felt good. I sat on the couch and cried for a good half hour while poring over stuff on Brian's FaceBook page before deciding to take a nap and cry some more.

When Brayden came and woke me up I felt refreshed and relieved for giving myself that time. Then I did what I always do when I'm lonely and invited myself and Brayden to the Collins' for dinner and of course had a great afternoon/evening. When I got home I decided to give myself one last look at all the kind words people have said to Brian. In doing so I came across the blog Lori wrote him. While reading it I realized it desperately needs to be updated with all the changes in our lives since September 23, 2011. However, the one thing that does not need to be changed, updated, or altered in any way is that "We’re taking care of each other."

I stepped into this third year without Brian better off than I was the day he died of course. Considering I didn't feel I had taken care of my needs thus far I chalked it up to the passing of time making things easier, which is surely a factor. What I have always known but never wrapped my head around until today is that it wasn't primarily time that kept me going until last September; it was all of you. I have been able to lean on you all to keep my mind busy with a dinner or endless other things together, take care of my cats while I'm away (or not away as you did the first couple weeks), watch Brayden, have someone to hug on New Years, be an ear to listen to my drama, give me an avenue and support to seek God, help me take care of my house, offer advice and most importantly have a loving, supportive family to share my life with. That is what I miss most about Brian and you all have given me that from day one. 

So, long story short, thank you for everything you have done for me. I can't imagine where I'd be without all of you. 

Brayden holding his daddy's wedding ring

Part 2-- my response via email

Every once in awhile, I write a blog and don’t publish it.  I put it on my draft list so that when I want to look back on it, it is there but I don’t necessarily want the whole world to have access to it.  I’m not sure why I did that with this one, but here it is.  From April 15th

I don’t know if every parent of 2 children does this, but occasionally, I look at K. and think to myself, “what was A. doing at this time in her life?”  This morning, after K. sweetly woke me up saying “peek e boo.”  He climbed into my bed with his footy pajamas, an apple that he went downstairs to get himself, his lovie, and his pacifier to snuggle, I let my mind drift to September of 2010.  The realization hit me like a ton of bricks.  A. was K’s. exact age on the day that we lost Brian St. Louis.  2 years 1 month and 9 days.  I again looked at K. I can’t imagine him in that situation.  I can’t imagine that he could or would realize what was going on in our lives.  Though, I’m grateful for his sweet, easy going demeanor, at this moment, I am really grateful that A. was the kid that she was at that point in our lives.  She had some empathy with us, she asked us what was going on, she hugged us over and over again.  Most importantly, she said, “Aunt Emily has a boo boo on her heart.  Put a bandaid on it.”  Somehow, her simple understanding, put a new perspective on his death for me.  It made me put a visual on the situation.   I imagined all of our hearts wrapped in an ace bandage, they needed a thick covering.  A covering that I’m sure most people whom have felt loss in their lives have wished for at some point.  That bandage however, wasn’t real (obviously), but was a group of people holding each other up.  At that time, we needed each other night and day.  We spent 4 days practically living together and when we came out of Emily’s apartment after the funeral expected to return to our lives, it was really hard.  How do you go on when something so terrible has happened?  The answer for us was to cultivate those relationships and be the ace bandage, then gauze, then finally band aid’s for each other. Again, reflecting on our lives then and now, there have been major changes:  new additions to the family, new jobs, moving.  All the craziness that is life in the late 20’s/ early 30’s.   These same people may have different roles, but it is easy to see that we are a group that is there for each other and can always act as a bandaid in the toughest situation.  Here’s to you Maryland family.  I love you!

Part 3- Lori's response

Blaine's first meal at family dinner 2/11

You guys are the best. I love you so much. And I can't really think of anything to say that is better than what you have already said. Figures the person who works with words for a living doesn't have any.

Yesterday I took a long hot shower before the day got going. I had music on my iPad and the Grace Potter song "Stars" came on. If you haven't heard it, check it out. It made me think of Brian and brought tears to my eyes even before I realized it was his birthday.

I still don't and will never understand why God chose to take Brian when he did. It is unfair and I am still angry that Brayden will never get to meet his dad. But I am so grateful that we were brought together and continue to be close. 

Love you guys.

Brandon and Brayden

Part 4- Mark's response

We all have found our ways to deal with Brian's death, but the one constant has been the commitment to each other to be a support group through it all and remember him. Lori and I talk often about how tough it is to be a parent, and we marvel at how you do it every day on your own.  Yes, we are here for you when you need us, but the majority of the time you do it on your own and do a FANTASTIC job.  You're a fabulous mother, and your kid is amazing. We couldn't be prouder of you for how you have come out of this whole thing.  

I remember early on saying to someone that Brandon and I would have to try and help out filling, in some small way, Brian's shoes on the father side until the time came where we weren't needed there anymore.  Truth is, there is never going to be a replacement for Brian, nor was I trying to be - but I hope that in some way I have helped a little bit and that if you ever need help in that way with Brayden you know I am there. The result is that my life has been richer for having spent time with the both of you - and ALL of you.  

Funny what you remember in life, but I distinctly remember being 9-10 years old and riding with my mom in the car. I told her that one of my friends and I would be friends forever, and she softly told me that sometimes that doesn't happen, that people grow and move on.  I remember it very clearly.  But what I have learned is that she was right - and wrong.  Yes, that happens.  But there are certain people in your life that touch and move you in ways that will never fade.  If you don't see them enough, then you go see them, it's like you never missed a beat.  You just connect with them and know that they are friends for life. 

I met my first one of those in 1994, and I married her.  All of you are on that list now too.  Wherever we go, whatever we do, whatever happens, we have a bond that can never be broken.  Did Brian's death create that?  No, it was there when he was alive, but even in death he had an impact on us all, because he tightened that bond so that it would last a lifetime.  I don't want time to move too fast, but I can't wait to watch our kids grow up together and be able to tell them about Uncle Brian - or their father.

He loved to laugh.  He liked Canadian beer.  He skated slow, and had awful hands on breakaways.  He hugged and slept next to toilets.  He liked all kinds of music - an his favorites were his "jams."  He loved hockey. He loved the beach. Family meant a lot to him.  So did his friends.  

Those last 2 live on in us, only now we aren't friends anymore - we are family.

K. and Blaine, just matching one random thursday

To our kids- You are lucky to be a part of something bigger than yourselves, perhaps bigger than any of us can fathom.  Please know how much we all love you and how much your Uncle Brian would love to be here with you.

To Saint-- We will always love you and as long as we are living, your legacy will live on too.  

healthy desserts

Both A. and K. love desserts.  They get their sweet tooth from me; a sweet tooth that I only found after I was pregnant with A.  They both ask for something after every meal.  Their daddy asks for more salad, or ... more meat while we indulge in something horrible for our bodies.  It started with one Hershey's kiss then progressed to a few chocolate covered pomegranates.  Then, they started to want ice cream or cookies, or cake.  It was never ending.  After Easter, my children were on a sugar high.  They had 4 Easter egg hunts and accumulated over 100 eggs filled with chocolate.

They had Easter baskets from us and both sets of grandparents, and their babysitter.  A. won the Easter egg roll so she had her chocolate trophy.  It was crazy.  Too much sugar!!!

So, we went on a week of healthy desserts only.  We made yogurt parfaits, ice milk, peanut butter crackers, and our favorite, cinnamon apples on the grill.

Well, the week is up and they both had an icecream cone for dessert.  But, A. did say, I like the healthy stuff too.  So, maybe it was somewhat of a success...

worst night ever

I contemplated not writing this because, obviously, nothing that could happen in my house could be the worst night ever.  Nothing here could compare to runners mourning across the country for a lost event that they loved, victims in the hospital with lives forever changed.  But, in a 4 year old's mind, she doesn't know about any of that.  She only knows that she wore a shirt from the one and only race that she has run in and we said a prayer for people who were hurt in a fire.

In her world, tonight was the worst night of her life.  I know because she told me on numerous occasions.  At her daycare, her teacher has a 3 strike system to earn a sticker by the end of the day.  A. loves sticker charts so it is fabulously effective tool.  Typically... However, for the past 2 days, she has gotten all 3 strikes and no sticker.  Yesterday, B. and I told her that we understand everyone has a bad day and the important thing is to try harder and to show everyone the next day that she is a fun and polite girl that everyone wants to be around.  If not, she would be punished and have to go to bed early.  (we chose this because she said she was having such a hard time because she is tired.)  Well, it happened again.  So, once she told me that she again got 3 strikes, for the oh so dramatic problems such as pushing in the bathroom line and trying to get other people into trouble, 2 for the same things she got into trouble for yesterday, we had to follow through.  Well, the punishment was 5 x worse because Emily and her "bestest friend ever" were here.  It meant that the boys would get to stay up later than her.  It meant that today was the worst day ever.  LOUD SIGH.

She spent the first 45 minutes crying and begging for it not to happen until we finally distracted her.     Then, she had a blast outside with the boys and we had a picnic dinner.  I guess nothing could make up for the early bed time approaching because after bath when I told her it was time for bed, she FREAKED out.  Meanwhile, it was actually 15 minutes past her typical bed time.  But, the boys got to read stories in the other room while she had to be by herself.  She said, "punishment is sooo hard."  She cried and begged for hugs and kisses from the boys.  She said, "This is the worst night of my life."  She tried to convince me that it wasn't fair because both of the boys had been in time out and they still got to be together.  I went from a breaking heart to wanting to bang my head against the wall to laughing to a breaking heart again.  It's so hard to be 4. But, I pray that this remains the worst night of her life for a loooonnnnngggg time.  I pray that she doesn't have to face tragedy.  Most of all, I pray for the families of those that have way more to consider than early bed times.    

maybe in college?

You may remember helpful baby Bella when she made A. stop running away, and annoying Baby Bella when we had to take care of her the exact same way as baby K.  Well, after 3 years, she has traveled to the discard pile like in the Velveteen Rabbit.  She has been placed in the closet like fuzzy bear on Doc. McStuffins.  Or, according to A. she must have "gone to college".  "After all", she said, "she is like 9 years old."  She grew up fast....Apparently, A. is a very busy mom that can only handle 1 child at a time.  "Tiny" now needs her undivided attention.

Tiny is a small doll straight from Germany courtesy of Gramps and Granny J.  We thought she might be a fad for a few days.  Apparently, we were wrong.  Tiny sits in a highchair at our table for dinner.  She must also have her own plate.  She needs a diaper bag whenever we go somewhere; the diaper bag has a hair brush, diaper, wallet, chapstick, keys, tissues, and the tiniest diaper you have ever seen.  She now has a carrier, tricycle, and a bouncy seat thanks to the consignment sale.  She must be swaddled before bed and her crib is decorated with ribbon and a balloon so that she has something to look at while she sleeps?.?

My favorite is that Tiny must go everywhere with us but then A. is usually too busy to be with her while we are out.  So, B. or I end up carrying her and her diaper bag around with us.  Something about a grown man carrying a babydoll carrier makes me happy.  hehe

Tiny is high maintenance and most days there is at least one, "Mommy, where is Tiny?"  or "Mommy, I need to do that for Tiny."  She also says, "Mommy, can you teach me more about babies?"  So, as annoying as it is, I love Tiny and her diaper bag necessitating, hair bow falling out, yet extremely quiet self.

an afternoon picnic on the deck

"Tiny" and her toys

Applesauce and a smoothie.  It's her favorite food.  She doesn't however, like asparagus or the little amount of peel left on an orange.  She can be quite picky.

Playing trains on a glorious wed morning off

the bad start

This morning I woke up not feeling so well.  I contemplated calling out of work but that just is not easy with my job.  I drop off my kids at daycare and look at my large blinking gas light.  I quickly flip the mode button on my steering wheel and notice that I now have 9 miles until I am out of gas.  No problem, I'll just stop and get gas.  I flip open my center console and... the wallet is not there.  Oh. My. I must have left it at the grocery store when I went with the kids on Wed.  Really, it meant that my memory is so bad that I forgot about the wallet in the time it took me to buckle K. into his car seat and push the cart across the street to the gathering spot.

I quickly turn the car around to try and search my house.  In the mean time, I call out of work since I obviously will not make my first appointment and my nausea has now escalated.  I call food lion, nothing.  I empty the back seat of my car which is still filled with Easter eggs, stickers, and said egg filling now stuck to the carpets in my car, still nothing.  I find $4 in cash in my kitchen and realize that will barely get me from the parking lot of the gas station.  Hhmmm... where else do we have money.  Oh, my lovely daughter has been doing chores for a quarter to fill up a little white folder with large letters "FOR THE NEEDY" to turn into church on Sunday.  Yes, I sunk to an all time low and stole form my hard working daughter, the church, and "the needy" all at the same time.

I drive to the gas station.  The car now reads 3 miles until empty.  I sit in the car peeling the quarters from the folder which my daughter has so lovingly taped into each slot. I embarrassingly pay while the gas station worker is obviously annoyed at receiving payment in all quarters.  I purchase my 3.531 gallons of gas and drive up to the food lion fully ready to search through all of the carts.  Well, in the time that it took me to steal from the needy and be judged by the gas station worker, someone turned in my wallet.  That someone did not take a single thing from it; they didn't take the credit cards, the grocery list, or even my old navy coupon.  Now, I have a full day to sit, drink some sprite to settle my stomach and  refill a little taped quarter packet for the needy.  What a turn around.