Granny J.'s perspective

A. on the quilt made of Gram's clothes at age 6 weeks.

Granny J. and Gramps watched A. and K. while we were gone last weekend.  Here is her perspective of the journey.  Stay tuned for Gramp's version in the next few days.  And, thanks Granny J. and Gramps.  We appreciate you soooo much!! 

A lot of people ask me what it’s like to be a grandma while skipping that whole kid-raising thing (believe it or not, that’s not unusual.  I have several friends who are in the same situation).  After the usual jokes about how easy – and unfair – it is to leapfrog right over the hard part to the fun of grandkids, it’s been more of a journey than might be imagined.

I love my grandkids and would gladly cut off my right arm to keep them from any harm.   Actually that’s a metaphor, since I’d be limbless already, but you get what I mean.  Still, when Sarah asked us to watch A and K for 24 hours while they attended a wedding last weekend, I was confounded as to what to do with them. I calculated the math, determining down to the minute when they would sleep and nap, and figuring out what to do with them in the remaining minutes.  Still, I fretted.

“What are we going to do with them for 24 hours?” I wailed to my husband Mike.  Mike and his wife Leslie (Brandon’s mother), who had raised both him and his younger brother Pat, looked at me like I had a tooth growing out of my ear. 

“I can do it myself if you don’t want to do it,” he grumbled. To be fair, I asked him in the middle of that historic fourth game of the World Series. 

I turned to my friend Holly, who is also a kid-less grandma.

“What are you going to do with them for 24 hours?” she asked me.

D-Day came.  We arrived on a Sunday, in time for Sarah and Brandon to leave at 9 a.m.   We stayed and talked until 10:30 a.m.

 

Another hour and a half less of worrying about what to do with them.

Sarah and Brandon left.  A and I decided to call my mom.  She would know what to do.

“A and I are making cookies and then we’re taking her to her church for a Halloween event,” I told my mom.  “I don’t know what to do after that.”  

I waited for my salvation.

Mom laughed.  “I wouldn’t know what else to do either.  I was never very good at that stuff.”

I was alone.

After A’s nap she decided I needed a nap.  She told me to lie on her bed and then she put a blanket over me and shut the door as she left the room.

I lay on the bed, grateful for the break (5 more minutes!) when I realized that I was covered in no ordinary blanket.  It was the blanket made from Leslie’s favorite shirts, made for the granddaughter she’d never met.

You should know that I’ve been on somewhat of a spiritual exploration, thinking about what kind of grandma I wanted to be for my grandkids, what kind of wife and stepmom, and how to contribute to the family in spite of my lack of ability or interest in the traditional expectations of a grandma.  I was also on the lookout for metaphors, symbols and instructions that, I believe, appear to help you on your journey, if you only ask for it and are open to seeing them.

I knew I was literally covered in the wisdom of someone who loved this family more than any woman ever has.  This was no coincidence, I realized.  I relaxed on the bed and let the blanket cover me, letting her wisdom and love for this family envelop and guide me.

I was not alone after all.

strengths and weaknesses

My good friend Jackie once told me that your biggest strength is also your biggest weakness.  I contemplated that for awhile and have found it true in most cases.  I think my biggest strength (disclaimer, if you have had me in a job interview or will ever have me in a job interview, you will hear this same answer) is my attention to detail.  In the workplace, I think this works wonders because I am great at program development, logistics, and even observations of my patients.  However, I often miss the big picture because I'm so focused on the details.  At home, I plan out things to do, have supplies, and even plan our grocery list based on coupons and the sale at Safeway.  However, sometimes I get bogged down in what needs to be done and don't spend enough time soaking in my kids or our family.


I'm sure that over time, the strengths and weaknesses of my children will change and evolve, but as of now, their strengths influence their weaknesses.

1. A.'s is her intensity.  She loves more intensely than most people.  I felt such pride as I watched her move my sister-in-law to tears when she left her playing to come over and sing to K. when he was fussy.  When I'm gone for a day, she will call and say, "I'm missin you" and I thouroughly believe her.  She said a prayer tonight for our friend Bennett down the street because he was sick a week ago and she was still thinking about it.  She still prays for her old teacher, Ms. Sheila, every night because she knows she had surgery on her leg 5 months ago.  However,  this intensity dominates a room... ALL THE TIME.  That pride that I felt last night then made me leave in tears because I couldn't even sit and enjoy a 5 minute conversation with the same sister in law that I hadn't seen in 2 months. All I heard was "Mommy, Mommy, Mommy" from the room upstairs where I laid A. down foolishly thinking she may fall asleep.  It had one of my closest friends say, "I don't envy you" (don't worry, I know it was said out of love.) today after A. directed the other children in the church nursery as to what they could and couldn't play with and held the toys of her choosing hostage.  This side of the intensity needs to be taught compassion and kindness and this detail oriented mama needs to learn how to instill this.

2. K.'s strength/ weakness is the exact opposite.  His is his flexibility.  Perhaps this has to be his characteristic because of his domineering sister, but he is the most chill baby ever created.  My friends often joke at family dinner if they hear a peep out of him because he is typically so laid back.  He goes with our days and revolves his sleep around as necessary.  However, this flexibility makes a schedule nonexistent.  It makes it very difficult when people watch him and want to know when to feed him and when to put him down for a nap.  Its hard to tell someone that isn't with him every day to listen for his high pitched cry to lay him down and his goat like whimper to feed him.  Perhaps the biggest issue is we don't know when he'll be tired at night and how long he will sleep. Sometimes, he is ready for bed at 6:00, sometimes 8:00.  Sometimes he sleeps all night, sometimes he is up 3 times.  It's unpredictable.

    
In addition to the 3 other confessions I've made via this blog, I have yet another confession.. I never read a single book about parenting.  I have read umpteen books on child development and behavior for my undergraduate and graduate degrees, but none on parenting.  When my children were born, I figured I would be a blend of somewhat knowing what to do, somewhat doing what my parents did, and somewhat flying by the seat of my pants.  So far, I think B. and I have been pretty successful, but I don't know how to make my detail oriented, not always seeing the big picture self support the strength side of my children all while nurturing the weaker side. So, I'm now reading 2 books simultaneously, Parenting by the Book, and Healthy Sleep, Happy Child.  I don't know if it will make a difference or magically give me the answers to promote a sleeping yet flexible child and an intensely loving yet patient child but I will try to be looking at the big picture that this is just a detail in the huge picture of their lives.